NARCISSIST VS. THE EMPATH When's the last time you told yourself the truth?

Let's start with the basics. What is a narcissist?

In general these people have a strong sense of self importance. Ironically a quick google search informs that it's not only a personality disorder, its most commonly found in men; and just because it may be common in men doesn't mean women aren't prone to being narcissist's as well. “Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others feelings, an inability to handle criticism and a sense of entitlement." They are everything the empath isn't.

(seems like our current U.S. President..)

They say talk therapy may help, but ultimately there is no cure and can last years or a lifetime. What google wont tell you is ultimately there is a cure for most people which consists of work. I'll get to that later...

Despite what people may tell you, narcissism can be developed, not always this born condition that you're stuck with for the rest of your life. Don't ever let someone tell you they can't change, matter of fact stop telling yourself that too, because it's a lie. Just be real and say you don't want to.

Don't let a narcissist tell you "this is who I am" it's a cheap way out of taking responsibility for their actions. It allows those in their life to accept this behavior while making you feel bad for complaining or talking about it.

Even though personality traits aren't necessarily easy to change, ( some may be hereditary--some people act just like an uncle they've never met. Or show similar behavioral characteristics as children just like their parents when they were kids ) do realize you don't have to be anything. You don't have to be bubbly, introverted, angry, sad, etc. We can control who we are and how we behave and some emotional triggers can be resolved by simply doing a perspective check.

WHAT'S A PERSPECTIVE CHECK?

It's being able to see the flip side of the coin. Within every situation there's always another way we can view it-- and viewing things, situations and people in a different light can ultimately change how we feel about it, view it or even remember it.

For example: someone you were interested in left you on read. Initially, that may irritate you because of how you assumed the reason behind it. The quickest resolution is to stop assuming and simply ask; but for scenarios you can't get an answer; introspecting the situation, you'll consider other options that are a bit more optimistic. Like perhaps their phone died before responding, or was left open on their text thread and you assumed they actually read your message. Maybe they did read it and were in the middle of something when it was viewed; or they read the text and thought they responded until they realized they didn't ( I've done this numerous of times).

Some of our negative thoughts and feelings, come from basic assumptions of how we perceived them. We have to understand that we can't think for other people or even situations we have no control over. (In case asking isn't feasible)

Simple perspective checks allow you to see the bigger picture, consider all avenues not just the narrow ones you've created in your mind at first glance.

Perspective check's are for anyone; the empath--who is sensitive in nature and to those around them; and the narcissist who may believe they can't change who they are.

Narcissist's ultimately, are manipulative, insensitive, incapable of taking responsibility; and based off the information I gave you in the first paragraph--they survive off of ego. Don't expect an apology or changed behavior from a narc. They are so manipulative that they will make you responsible for their own actions. You will be the reason why they cheated, they'll say things like: 'you didn't give me enough attention, or I thought you were doing it' etc. they can even be as casual to admit to their wrong doing and tell you 'its in the past' and to get over it. So they obviously have no regards for others feelings.

They can't stand being wrong, so if you correct them on something trivial, they will debate you until the conclusion cycles back to them being correct. they will sugar-coat their role in the two of you's demise so they don't have to take responsibility.

Every excuse in the book will obviously be left with no accountability; but if you're dating these people as an empath, you may be blind to all their red flags for the sake of care and "love".

If you dump them, they will flip the narrative publicly and say they left you or that it was mutual. They are likely to cause scenes because they love attention, and they will make themselves the victim when they are the ones that have done wrong. If they cheat, or lie to you, they will be the first to cry. And if you start mirroring their actions, you'll all of a sudden be the one whose toxic or too much to handle.

For those who aren't innate assholes, how does a narc become who they are? We have to remember these people survive off of ego and under the surface, these people are insecure. They have to find a way to control most situations and that these people generally don't have a sense of self; they're easily influenced by their environment or their life experiences. Realize the narc has experienced a great deal of pain to become the hard shell they've become.

We were all babies once with a blank canvas. Our realities help shape who we are; and for the Narc who would be considered the villain in this story--they all have a negative or traumatic past. So really the Narc's behavior is a self defense mechanism, that's on auto pilot. They can't be anything else because being a narc at this point, is all they know. It's gotten them through any and everything except surviving genuine connections and bonds; and these people usually don't have any. Their friends are fake, their families are unreliable, people come and go like a revolving door for two reasons: they are just as fake as they are, and the genuine people they come by, are aware of what they're dealing with, to not deal with them at all.

This is extremely destructive to the empath because they are typically light beings: natural fixers, humble, sensitive, loving and kind by spirit. If the empath isn't careful they can become a narcissist in due time

WHAT IS AN EMPATH?

Despite the "whoo-whoo magical" stuff you may find; in short, an empath is usually a person who feels and shows great compassion towards others. These people have the capacity to understand and feel what others are feeling without being able to relate to those particular issues. They know how to put themselves in another's shoes.

Empathic people are very generous, self-sacrificing, and look at life through rose colored glasses. Not necessarily because they haven't experienced much, but because they have an innate ability to be great optimist's even in the most trying of times. As ugly and horrific the world may be, they have idealistic views of the world and their future; so they rather focus on the beauty of their lives and the planet instead.

They are your most trusted and valued friends and they honor those who trust them. They are non-judgmental, therefore people who are spiritually struggling in life cling to these people for guidance or a lighter vibe than what the world has offered them. Their auras are often light and carry little to no baggage. In other words; empaths usually have a cleared karmic cycle; no universal debts to be paid and not too many harsh lessons to learn.

They are the complete opposite of the narcissist; they don't thrive on ego as they 'feel' constantly even when they don't want to. They regularly want to help, even if its not their place to do so because that's often been their role. Empath's are not the cryer who seeks the shoulder, they are the shoulder that the wounded cry on. So who do these people go to when they are in need of emotional help? Often times, themselves. Talking about their issues is often foreign and uncomfortable for them, as they tend to self isolate as a form of healing; this gives them the ability to recharge. Even being catered to is uncomfortable because they like to give more than they receive.

Being in crowded places makes them just as uneasy. Being engulfed by too many personalities at one time is emotionally exhausting since their first instinct is to feel. They're very intuitive, they know without knowing and have a hard time not caring.

This is why you will typically find empathic people with narcissistic partners. The empath wants to help and the narc wants to heal.

The Disaster of Narcissist and Empath Relationships

Seems like a match made in heaven for our purpose; but to thrive through this tornado as a couple is rare...at least while the narc is still in their narcissistic state.

For the empath, please don't walk past red flags and see the narcissist's need for healing as an excuse to stay, change or fix people. That is the nurturer in you. The wisdom in you knows that isn't your complete job description. Helping those that want help, and are aware is a good place to start; which often isn't the case for the narcissist. They're often unaware or in denial of being a narc; being aware takes self reflection--this defeats the purpose of actually being narcissistic. It would mean they'd have to take accountability for their behavior.

And to be frank, being 'captain save a hoe' or 'captain save a bum' is played out. Saving anyone at the expense of yourself is counter productive. You healed someone else just to damage yourself and going by this logic, there will always be the same amount of damaged people in the world when the amount of people healed should be growing.

Narc's will play the victim role that empaths may not be wise enough to catch immediately; until you catch a pattern of their wrong doing and them being hurt more than you. Mirroring their behavior doesn't work; they're going to use that against you and start imitating your nice behavior to pretend you're the one whose crazy. This is a form of gaslighting.

The empath has potential to become a narcissist once they've become fed up. Becoming a narcissist versus being a natural born narc are two separate things. Between these two, there's a bullying or punching bag dynamic , so to speak.

Innate narcissist's, are people that find any reason to get over on you, there was no triggering, or foundation to how they became this way. They're self pleasing and always have been. It was never a becoming--that's just who they are. (Please know this is rare).

Previously mentioned that empaths receiving is foreign. That dynamic is different once in a relationship; there's only so much one sided giving and taking someone can endure before it becomes exhausting.

How To Piss a Narc off & Walk Away Unscathed

...I know what you're thinking, deliberately trying to piss someone off is narc behavior, and it totally is, but not if you're doing it in a beneficial way.

If you really want to piss a narc off...

1. Ignore them

Narc's need attention to thrive; ignoring their petty behavior like you don't know they're doing it, will get under their skin. You ignoring them will give the appearance that what they're doing isn't affecting you--the fact it doesn't affect you will piss them off. It will also develop your maturity by not entertaining every little thing they do.

2. Not feeling sorry for them

Don't baby a narcissist. I know as an empath its your duty to heal, but it's also a narc's duty to manipulate. They may need all the help you're trying to give them, but not at the expense of your light.

3. Don't take their personal attacks personally

Again, they thrive off attention--they're bad ass two year old's in adult bodies. They're going to take jabs and low blows to get a reaction out of you. If you've said something negative about who they are to initiate a sense of realization, this will still be offensive to them and their only defense is to hurt you back. Trust me they're great at hurting others feelings.

4. Protect your vulnerability

Its hard not confiding in the people you love, in case this person may be a narc its best not to. This goes back to number three: whenever it's convenient they may use what you told them in confidence as ammo later. Their guards are always up, even if they love you too, they're willing to protect themselves first, at all costs.

5. Don't React

when they think they've pissed you off, nod and say you understand. Not giving them the reaction they want or expected will constantly throw them off their Narc horse. By remaining grounded in who YOU are, when the time comes, you'll walk away proud of yourself for not conforming, stooping to their level, and they will always have a memory of a genuine individual they once had.

6. Prepare for a Narc's return.

Believe me they come back, they always do. I don't care if it's tomorrow or two years from now, when an individual is the problem and not you, In some way shape or form they will try to return. Maybe even many times.

HEALING THE NARCISSISM

The only person who can heal you is you. The only person responsible for healing you, is you. Developed narcissist's are typically those who did conform to past experiences and relationships with a strong guarded wall. They've become desensitized to other's feelings because the world was desensitized to their's.

Healing isn't easy, but its needed to create inner peace. Don't worry how long it'll take just focus on making each day better than the last. Don't focus on gaining relationships that were lost, those people may never return; there's always opportunity to build new authentic bonds. Don't think of yourself as changing into someone new--think of it as you returning back to your authentic self. People hardly come out of the womb bitter--its often that life makes us that way. It's time to return from which you came--our true selves. All the things that narcissist's lack are everything they need to regain in order to dead the narc inside them.

1. Awareness - are narc's aware they're narcissists? are they going to admit they're assholes? That's a hell of a hurdle to get over and this may take awhile. That's ok, there's no rush or race to healing...just heal.

2. Thriving off ego - you'll need to humble yourself. Starting with telling yourself the truth. Stop pretending you're so amazing, that you're happy and everything is going well in your world. Stop acting like you're perfect. The truth is you're not and you can lie to everyone else but at least be honest with yourself.

3. Take a look at your surroundings. Are all your relationships real? Or are they based off what they can do for you and vice versa? Do you genuinely like the people you're around? Can you be yourself, be goofy, be embarrassed, confide or stop pretending, around your circle? We're often influenced by our environment and for a narcissist who may be engulfed by fake people--its reinforcing you to pretend to be something you're not.

4. Accountability - acknowledge the wrong you've done to others before you apologize to these people; if you choose to do so and if they allow you to.

5. Reflect - try and remember how this started, where it came from, and why you're the person you are today.

5. Take Responsibility - the more victim role's we play, the helpless we become with helping ourselves. We aren't responsible for other's actions; but we are responsible for how we react and respond.

6. Isolation. Get comfortable with being alone. This isn't just for narcissists, it's for anyone who's in need of healing. The most beautiful things blossom out of solitude and darkness. (Not saying you have to go hide in a cave somewhere for your rebirth). Removing everything from you allows you to see things clearly up to the tiniest detail.

The journey to healing is uncomfortable, lonely, can be very depressing, shocking to discover things about yourself you didn't realize before and heartbreaking; but ultimately one of the most beautiful and humbling experience's you will ever encounter. Your rebirth will be authentic,, honest, compassionate towards others with another outlook of the world and yourself. Ultimately the process is temporary compared to the better ways you'll be living your life and so well worth it. You'd be amazed by the things that gravitates to you when you're living your life truthfully.

To be honest, most of us are empaths, we are humans, it's in our makeup to be able to feel what others are feeling, to be compassionate with our brothers and sisters, that is how we are able to build human connections.

We all also have the capacity to be narcissists if we aren't resilient enough to bounce back after each trial. Trials in life are unavoidable no matter how large or small--its time to return back to self.

I hope this found you well,

- A Readable Adventure: Z.J.