Taming the Trauma...you're healing faster than you think

Do you remember as a kid telling your family or anyone a bit older than you that you were in love? Nine times out of ten they laughed and told you, you didn’t know what love was. To be fair, you took love to be exactly what you experienced at the time; and in all honestly the teen and child love is probably the purest than the types of love we experience as adults.

Our love as children weren't bound by conditions or what people could do for us. Nor was it built on what kind of job someone had, what prestigious school they went to, or how they made us look socially. It was found on raw chemistry, the ability to be ourselves, the focus was on fun and the present moment. Not the should’a, could’a, woulda’s of the future.

Thus far I’m blessed to have experienced child-like love twice! Once at 16 and the second, now. But the journey was a hot mess to get here as I subconsciously chased the innocence I once had, before receiving it for the second time.

To be brief, the next serious guy I dealt with since my high school sweetheart was at 21 years old. He was far from perfect and had 12 elephants worth of baggage. He lied to me about his age, he went from being 8 years older than me, to a whopping 15 years older just months later, when I found out. He lied about having children, insulted my character and made it normal to point out all of my flaws. He abused and manipulated when we were together or when we weren’t and often used my age against me. (Ex: “your only 21 years old, how would you know? I’m older than you, I've experienced much more...”(... you get the point.)

In short I was dating a narcissist. And by the end of our relationship I was able to gather my pride and walk away. Just 3 months after we broke up; I had met another guy at my new job at the time. I know, a taboo work romance. I should've known better, but I’m a hopeful romantic and regardless of how things wound up; I knew love wasn’t bound by time, space or place. You could literally meet the love of your life ANYWHERE at ANY TIME.

....So I went with it.

He wasn't the most attractive guy, but for some reason I was extremely attracted to him. At the time being 24, I was happy dealing with someone who I thought was my own age. But when I asked, he told me 30. Not too much of an age difference right? I thought he was so mature and a gentlemen too. He thought outside of the box, he enjoyed politics and to talk about conspiracy theories; and within a couple of weeks, introduced me to his family. Things seemed to be going great, until I caught him in the same lie as the last guy. He wasn't 30, he was 35! And I had to think to myself... ‘what is it about me that’s attracting this non-sense back to back?’ Older men who feel the need to lie about their age and the narcissistic manipulative attitude that came with it.

Things went down hill from there. I forgave him for lying and a couple months later, the phone calls stopped, hanging out stopped and he became distant. Any time I mentioned how weird he acted he derailed the conversation or found a way to escape.

Three months later, he confessed getting involved with his high school best friend right after he stopped talking to me, and had gotten her pregnant.

When he broke the news to me I was in denial. ‘Nah, he’s just saying that to be mean, or because I wanted our relationship to be a secret for professional reasons. But his cousin knew the news too. So I knew it was real.

Knowing it to be true, I broke down, in disbelief and most of all confused to why he waited for her to get pregnant to tell me he moved on. Even wondered why this was happening to me in the first place. Sense kicked in and I figured he was using me as back up, had things not went well with the other woman.

I thought if I had hurt any of my past partners and in turn, paying for a past karmic debt. I’m sure I have, but nothing traumatizing or detrimental (cheating, stealing, abuse etc.) for me to receive what I’ve been getting.

I hadn’t seen my most recent ex and I assumed he was doing great while I was still sulking on trying to get over, not necessarily him, but the situation.

Dealing with my most recent mistakes; I had reminisced about my high school sweetheart. Although I didn’t want him back, I wanted the type of love we had back. I wondered if I’d ever experience an innocent relationship like that ever again.

And just two months after “work bae”, afraid to date, and forcefully trying to expedite my healing; I was introduced to my current boyfriend through a mutual friend. And he exceeded my expectations tremendously.

He was the complete opposite of what I had experienced within the last 4 years. Were the same age, he’s goofy, communicative, a gentleman, problem solving, honest, innocent by nature and mature when it calls him to be. He conversed about us being in an exclusive relationship just 30 days after dating. None of that hazy, non-labeling, situationship type of crap that I had dealt with, prior. He told me weeks later, he knew on our second date he wanted us to be together.

He seemed perfect, but no ones perfect. And I was informed of the red flag prior to us meeting. Matter of fact the red flag introduced us.

The mutual friend who introduced us was also her ex.

...RIGHT

My new boyfriend is my childhood friend’s old boyfriend. It was uncomfortable and believe me; I was pissed; but I realized she was the one who set all this up and as long as she was okay with it; I didn’t have to risk loosing a friend if him and I didn’t work out. She was mature enough to know we were compatible regardless of the circumstance, so I knew things would be fine.

I had to remind myself that he was a human being and not an object. He has feelings, and isn’t a hand-me-down, used-up rag that I thought of him to be initially.

It wasn’t until my friend text him one late evening, that my heart shook. I panicked knowing they still kept in touch; that she was texting so late at night, and the possibility they could still have feelings for each other. I was triggered and going through an ‘i-knew-this-was-too-good-to-be-true’ episode. I gathered my thoughts and told him exactly how I felt.

Immediately he showed me their text messages (GREEN FLAG) -no flirtatious stuff going on.

Told me he had never cheated on any girl he was in a relationship with (GREEN FLAG) he has a clean track record like I do.

Shared their disaster partnership and without me asking, willingly gave me the pass code to his phone. (GREEN FLAG) I refused to be in a relationship where I felt the need to check my partner’s phone; and I still wont, but the fact he’s willing and comfortable to let me have it spoke volumes.

He proceeded to block her number from ever reaching him again and told me she was irrelevant to what we had going on. That she didn’t need to know anything that happens between him and I because that was our business.

Although the B.S. I experienced just before wasn’t deserved it was worth it to receive what was healthy and much needed soon after.

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HEALING AND WHY ITS SO IMPORTANT

Just because I met someone great didn’t mean I was healed. I realized how paranoid I was. I got one woman out of the way and had to face the rest of the world.

His track record--like mine--was clean (no cheating history) and knowing that, I should have found safety.

Through his willingness to layout our foundation of trust I realized the only person to sabotage this was myself.

I entertained doubt, wondered how long things would last, and thought of every hypothetical of how or when he could cheat on me just to be prepared. In reality there were no signs of us failing, and had the most chemistry of anyone I’ve ever dated.

I realized it wasn’t anything going on outside that triggered my thoughts or feelings. It was new and uncleared wounds that weren’t healed, happening within.

We all inherently have the intuition and common sense to know what’s best for us. As we all know, were in a generation full of people with trust issues and these people clearly aren’t healed.

Healing is for no one else’s sake but your own. Without healing were stuck living in the past and having to learn the same lessons over and over and over again. Were never allowed to be in the present moment or have an optimistic outlook of the future. We live in fear, therefore hindering us from our potential or the full experience of what’s currently happening around us.

If you are like me, I’d like to share the many ways to assist your healing journey

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7 Fantastic Ways to Heal

1. SOLITUDE

Yes it sucks being alone when your emotionally hurt; as the saying goes ‘misery likes company’ but, the worst thing we could do through a heartbreak is bounce from one partner to another. We don’t allow ourselves to know the difference between our partners thoughts and feelings versus our own. We wind up dealing with different personalities within a short time frame; and if your an empath that can be VERY chaotic. You can also be very toxic to the innocent bystanders who enter your life. When you give yourself alone time, it allows you to treat your next partner as they are rather than what the last person did to you. Alone time does not mean bottle yourself up in dark spaces to sulk. It means to pause on dating; remember who you are and what you want while doing the things you love. Occupy your time so your not putting yourself in a pitiful mind state or meditating on unprogressive thoughts.

2. PRESENCE

Remembering where you are by experiencing your five senses. To touch things, smell your surroundings, see your points of view and hear all that’s happening simultaneously. Everything you think that could go wrong isn’t happening, those are all hypothetical scenarios; and in the face of disaster were never truly prepared for the outcome; so don’t entertain the thought.

3. TRAINING YOUR FEAR

Most people have the fear of their partner cheating. When the ‘baddest’ women and the richest men get cheated on everyday. This probably won’t make you feel great, but its truth. We often get into a frenzy looking at other women and men who appear to have more than us, trying to decode our partner’s ‘Type’ but it allows you to know you have no control over what your partner does. This leads to number four...

4. SURRENDER

Surrender knowing that the outcome to your relationships isn’t totally up to you. You cant control what your partner does. The more things we understand are out of our control the more we can relax and go with the flow. This means we shouldn’t worry. The things we can’t control that didn’t work out how we wanted them to, is still for our highest good. Your highest good is nothing but derailment for what is better suited for you. Things that are meant to happen wont escape you.

5. TIME

There is no expedited way to healing. So stop beating yourself up about why you still feel a way. It could take days, weeks, months and unfortunately years depending on the depth of the experience, and the affects and will of the individual to be themselves again. Like a drug addict, its difficult for us to quit anything cold turkey. One trigger could bring the best day of our lives into us spiralling into depression on our bedroom floor. I want you to know that this is normal. Think of those random triggers as “check-ups” to see your progress. Progress is rarely a straight shot forward or done to completion at first attempt. If your triggers still bother you, no worries, there is more healing to do. If you feel nothing at all, your definitely on the right track.

Negative thoughts will come; let them. All a thought is, is a perspective or a theory. Don’t let the negative thoughts marinate. Let them come, then let them pass.

6. FORGIVENESS

Like healing, forgiveness also is for no one else’s sake but your own. Forgiving others doesn’t mean your okay with what they did; nor does it mean your required to give anyone a second chance. Its to make peace with what’s transpired so your not carrying the baggage of grudge and pain while you heal. Forgiveness is synonymous with healing. How could you heal without it?

7. RESPONSIBILITY.

Your are not responsible for your trauma, but you are responsible for your healing. What caused the trauma is not your fault. How you handle it that day forward, is. You are not a victim, so stop explaining yourself or wearing your trauma as if it’s who you are. Don’t expect clarity, closure or apologies; we cant force answers out of people who hurt us, nor can we chase to understand why a scenario happened. Sometimes no answer is still an answer and in the midst of not receiving one; its still your duty to move on without it.

...Healing is still an option, on your time, happening in a billion ways with 7 to start. Your not broken, you are light finding your way back out of the dark.

Warmly,

A Readable Adventure